It is the summer. You should not be indoors, posting vicious little blog-pensees all over the internet. You should be outdoors, frolicking in the sunshine, and feeling well-disposed towards your fellow man (you know, like us).
Aaaw diddums. Do you not want to play out anymore? But we were having such fun! Tee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
In: Slogan t-shirtsCall us lazy, but sometimes it seems to take too much effort to say what you think. Luckily, fashion is kind enough to do it for us. We're not talking vile 'Sex me up' slogans here. Instead we love the new breed of fash-referencing one-liners which make us look pretty and make others smile.
Oh you have just given us a fantastic idea. Watch this space.
Out: Diet Coke
Partly because truly we don't see the appeal of the latest Diet Coke man (he's got an odd teeth-gum arrangement, it freaks us out); partly because San Pellegrino Limonata is much, much more fancy.
The drink you loved last month you love no more, because the man has wonky teeth? Don't blame him - he drinks Diet Coke!
We hate you. We hate you we hate you we hate you.
We know it's common but we like it.
3. Getting drunk in parks in the sun
Good God we agree on something.
4. Sneaking into pub loos
Oh for fuck's sake, squat behind the bushes like the rest of us. Have you been in the toilets at the Bay Horse?
"I wish I Could have been a rock star"
One could be embarrassed by looking at Tom Ford's package if he didn't draw so much attention to it himself. In the 10 years he helmed Gucci, and the four he designed for Yves Saint Laurent, Ford taught American women to become sexual dominants, supplying them the costume of stovepipe trousers and Halston-meets-Elsa Peretti white jersey dresses, as well as leather spankers and sterling-silver handcuffs. Women were personally bewitched by him, the straightest gay man alive; in the way that gay men dream of getting hot, straight guys to play on the other team, women are enticed by Ford because his heavy-duty flirting encourages the fantasy that he could fall for you. 'I feel,' he says breathily, 'that I am keyed into the female consciousness.'
Key into our consciousness, Tom. Focus on it. Got it? Good.
"FUCK OFF you misogynistic, shallow Avon salesman."
We know you have to peddle your eau de toilette to gullible souls but please, have a bit of pride.
We liked the Skoda advert
Q: I've recently become a self-employed landscape gardener. At 33, I have good skin and want to ensure that I do not age prematurely because of increased exposure to the elements on a daily basis. Can you recommend a good moisturiser/tinted moisturiser that contains an SPF? I have fair skin, burn easily - and my disposable income is now drastically reduced for the time being!
A: When it comes to make-up, I wouldn't use waterproof mascara all the time - it's too tough on the lashes for every day, all year. What about having your lashes permed and tinted for daytime and then you could use mascara in the evening?
OK, at this point, we have to tell you, we are close to giving up.
We need another drink.