Monday, 11 June 2007

From the outdoors, frolicking in the sun, feeling well disposed to our fellow man

The Rules of Summer 2007

Out: Blogging

It is the summer. You should not be indoors, posting vicious little blog-pensees all over the internet. You should be outdoors, frolicking in the sunshine, and feeling well-disposed towards your fellow man (you know, like us).

Aaaw diddums. Do you not want to play out anymore? But we were having such fun! Tee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

In: Slogan t-shirts

Call us lazy, but sometimes it seems to take too much effort to say what you think. Luckily, fashion is kind enough to do it for us. We're not talking vile 'Sex me up' slogans here. Instead we love the new breed of fash-referencing one-liners which make us look pretty and make others smile.

Oh you have just given us a fantastic idea. Watch this space.

Out: Diet Coke

Partly because truly we don't see the appeal of the latest Diet Coke man (he's got an odd teeth-gum arrangement, it freaks us out); partly because San Pellegrino Limonata is much, much more fancy.

The drink you loved last month you love no more, because the man has wonky teeth? Don't blame him - he drinks Diet Coke!

We hate you. We hate you we hate you we hate you.


We know it's common but we like it.

3. Getting drunk in parks in the sun

Good God we agree on something.

4. Sneaking into pub loos

Oh for fuck's sake, squat behind the bushes like the rest of us. Have you been in the toilets at the Bay Horse?

"I wish I Could have been a rock star"

One could be embarrassed by looking at Tom Ford's package if he didn't draw so much attention to it himself. In the 10 years he helmed Gucci, and the four he designed for Yves Saint Laurent, Ford taught American women to become sexual dominants, supplying them the costume of stovepipe trousers and Halston-meets-Elsa Peretti white jersey dresses, as well as leather spankers and sterling-silver handcuffs. Women were personally bewitched by him, the straightest gay man alive; in the way that gay men dream of getting hot, straight guys to play on the other team, women are enticed by Ford because his heavy-duty flirting encourages the fantasy that he could fall for you. 'I feel,' he says breathily, 'that I am keyed into the female consciousness.'

Key into our consciousness, Tom. Focus on it. Got it? Good.

"FUCK OFF you misogynistic, shallow Avon salesman."

We know you have to peddle your eau de toilette to gullible souls but please, have a bit of pride.

We liked the Skoda advert

Beauty Queen

Q: I've recently become a self-employed landscape gardener. At 33, I have good skin and want to ensure that I do not age prematurely because of increased exposure to the elements on a daily basis. Can you recommend a good moisturiser/tinted moisturiser that contains an SPF? I have fair skin, burn easily - and my disposable income is now drastically reduced for the time being!

A: When it comes to make-up, I wouldn't use waterproof mascara all the time - it's too tough on the lashes for every day, all year. What about having your lashes permed and tinted for daytime and then you could use mascara in the evening?

OK, at this point, we have to tell you, we are close to giving up.

We need another drink.


Bowleserised said...

Out: Producing shit magazines

It is the summer. You should not be indoors, commissioning crappy little subGrazia-pensees in a monthly supplement. You should be outdoors, frolicking in the sunshine, and feeling well-disposed towards your own body (you know, instead of planning to exfoliate with an industrial planer and eat nothing but tuna for a month).

liz (not jones) said...

Which nitwit at The Observer thinks that merely because I am a woman (complete with breasts, an arse and nascent bingo wings) I am going to be even remotely interested in some preening fop that OWM and their ilk seem to have some form of weird adolescent crush on. Incredibly, I really, really couldn't give a flying fuck about the overpriced bits of rag peddled by this Tom Ford bloke. I can't comment further on the content of the article because I didn't read it because I JUST DON'T CARE. But OWM just don't get it, do they? Like they just don't get that the nice landscape gardener lady was perhaps more concerned about avoiding cancer than fluttering her perfectly made up eyelashes. Who does their market research? Did they even do any market research?

GreatSheElephant said...

I probably don't hate OWM as much as some and I feel very sorry for Liz Jones (and I know exactly what she meant by the comment that sent someone into a foaming rage a few posts down - and it was no reflection on single people or lesbians)
Kathy Phillips makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out. Someone writes to you with a problem which includes the information that they are on a limited budget and you recommend a product that is not available in the UK? How is that helpful by any stretch of the imagination? And then you further recommend another product from one of the most expensive lines (shiseido) out there! Grrrr

I think I'm going to tackle this on Halp! the chances of the original gardener lady finding the answer are minimal but someone has to answer the question.

Anonymous said...

Please, please make a T-shirt. Please.

Badger Madge said...

Shit! I've been wearing waterproof mazzy for over ten years. I can't tell you how worried I now am about the state of my eye lashes…

What shall I do??

Spitting Mad said...

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Ms Elephant, if you don't hate OWM as much as the rest of us, it's probably because you have the good sense not to actually read it.

Madge - OWMMS resident Beauty Queen Phila Shitt advises as follows:

"When you've been wearing waterproof mascara for a while, your eyelids begin to become porous, and you risk losing all of what we experts call 'the lookiness' out of your eyes and you will eventually go completely blind. The best remedy for this is my own line of homeopathic Lookiness Restorer Cream available from my website at £74.99 for a 5cl bottle. Or you could try cyanide injections into your eyeballs, which won't stave off death as such, but will guarantee sparkling peepers at the coffin viewing."

Jonquil said...

How did you manage to single out only a few in such a target-rich environment? Damn.

I, myself, am pleased to know that the entire country of Brazil is temporarily acceptable, although I grieve to learn that swimming in actual sea water is déclassée. Next: Breathing natural air: only for the plebs. The fashionistas carry SCUBA equipment.

As to jelly sandals: Does nobody remember the Stinky Feet Horror of the 1980s? (Apparently not; nobody remembers the Platform Shoes Broke My Ankles tragedy of the 1970s.)

GreatSheElephant said...

I think the thing is that I didn't start with high expectations so the sense of letdown is less. Over the past three years or so the Observer has turned from being the Guardian on a Sunday into being a news and analysis free sack of consumerist drivel with a total absence of left wing agenda. A bit like Blair versus socialism really. So why would the magazine be any different? It's in no way inconsistent with the rest of the paper. I'm not sure why I buy it frankly. It's far better to stretch the Economist over a full weekend.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

I agree with greatsheelephant and haven't bought the Observer for years, the Saturday Guardian lasts us all weekend. But I also agree with anonymous, I want one of those t-shirts too!

Misssy M said...

Well, you've got their attention!

Rose said...

Doesn't OWM realise that those oversized Hamnett T-shirts left the building nearly 25 years ago?

Slogan tees were ripped off and appeared on every tatty market stall from Bognor to Benidorm. Or were OWM's editors zygotes at the time and unaware of their sartorial demise?

(I would, however, be only too content to advertise our collective bile against OWM on a T-shirt - provided it doesn't look like something George Michael wore in 1983 ;o)

Tom Ford? I'm bored already.

Jo said...

Time to sign up for OWM weekly email reminders! What joy to have a dose of hot self-loathing and consumerist bile injected into my inbox once a week. God alone knows what the reminders are for, however - time to schedule poison injections into my face? Time to spend my monthly salary on a hideous bag from Selfridges? Time to be "shocked" at a picture of BIG FAT WIMMINZ?

Clicky clicky on link ... hmm:

Server not found

Firefox can't find the server at

OH NOES what a pity. Tragedy is not too strong a word, I feel.

On a side note, I know one of the Observer writers from university and it is no surprise to me that the paper has gone as downhill as it has done, as indicated by the fact that they gave this particular special sunbeam of a narcissist and above all dreadful writer a regular gig.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

It kills me when i think what has become of feminism. it used to be about choice and empowerment and NOT CONFORMING TO MEN'S EXPECTATIONS. somehow empowerment has shifted from breaking the glass ceiling to having the power to dress like a tart, and the only choice we care about is the choice to have boob jobs and botox.

I'm so glad you two are out there waving the banner for women in defiance of these shallow pawns who have been duped into thinking feminism has something to do with gucci handbags and the (still male-dominated) fashion industry.

Anonymous said...

Phew! I'd been worried for the sisters over at OWM: surely their impeccable investigative journalism meant that by now they had run out of body parts to be mined as a source of hang-ups. Well good news -there is a new body feature to worry about, as the Mail points out today
Yes! Angelina Jolie's prominent forehead vein. The lurking monstrosity is revealed in all its glory. Further, dilation of said vein is not attributed to heredity or eg the fact that the weather was hot/sultry. No; it's because Angelina's been overdoing the exercise. So it's all her fault. The beauty of this imperfection as a source of anxiety induction is that it can occur throughout the body, and there is, presumably, no easy surgical fix. Although Emma Soames writing in Obs's sister Grauniad a few weeks ago did helpfully remind one that ageing, veiny hands can be plumped with restylane injections (and age spots can be lasered off). Foreheads too? Maybe OWM can put readers right.
Anti-vascular-dilation medication perhaps...

minxy said...

Jo, the writer isn't the one whose daddy bought her a small forest as she wanted one, is it?

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