Monday, 26 March 2007

Spitting Madonna (an inter-issue intermission)

'It's it's it's it's it's it's... What is it?'

'I think it's...'

'Don't think it. You need to know it.'

Are we tripping here?

An innocent schoolgirl being frog-marched to meet the Fasc(ion)ist bully.

Egged on by a pair of leering accomplices, the paste-haired bitch humiliates and debases her victim.

'She's nah-theeng' sneers one of the henchmen, the misogyny dripping from every pore of his being while a hareem of submissive concubines pout in agreement.

'You know what to do,' the bully commands.

Cut away to a back-room where the sweaty-pawed old men slap the victim around a bit before stripping her reluctant frame.

Meanwhile Her Royal Heinous sprawls suggestively, slicing sheet after sheet of an unidentified manuscript through a shredder. (Who knows, maybe the script of her husband's next film.)

Back to the torture chamber and the helpless waif is being looked up and down by the Mistress.

'You made it,' she says, finally.

Her pet worm slithers at her feet.

'No' he hisses. 'YOU made it.'


Well actually a six year-old child in Malaysia probably made it. WHAT THE SHITTING FUCKERY IS GOING ON HERE?

Schoolgirl costumes are all very well in the privacy of your own home. They're even better down the local fetish club. But when it comes to prime-time TV they belong on adverts for Cheesestrings or Yu-Gi-Oh. We'll even let them pass in the Britney video (although it's not a patch on the shaven-head look.) They certainly DON'T belong in a sub-arthouse tribute to Japanese sado-porn, squirted from the washed-out, sold-out imaginings of a once-great pop queen.

Once we almost believed in you. I mean, you were no Geri Halliwell, but you had your moments. You actually seemed to believe in women. Now you are reduced to polyester catsuits.

Cut at the knee.

And we know.... we just know... that down in the offices of OWM, they're wetting their sheets with dreams of catsuits.

Cut at the knee.


miss-cellany said...

And, no doubt, wearing the knee length catsuits with a pair of Crocs (walking draining boards surely?)

Someone out there is having a laugh...

cinnamon.mcbadger said...

The 'what the shitting fuckery' comment made me spray tea all over my keyboard, sheer class. Time to give it up Madge my dear, is there not some quaint little British tradition you you take up next and leave our bloody high street alone?

Urban Chick said...

am i a fluffer? if i am, is this a good thing?

**looks over both shoulders to see if anyone is laughing**

p.s. madge...sigh...if you can't laugh with MUST click through to this blog post about the dear old tweed-lover: (too funny)

Spitting Mad said...

Urban Chick such innocence!

Fluffers are one of those useful girls who help stars get ready for their "perfomance" in those grown up movies.

Sounds like a good thing.......depending on your politics.

The fluffer is to be for my benefit Ally's got the whole 2.4 thing going on, I on the other hand only have 3 cats.(some once told me never to admit this online as I would sound like a, a, well a spitting mad woman)

thanks for contributing to our overflowing pot of bile


Billy said...

I'm all for pretentious adverts, they amuse me, but this is just, well, what the shitting fuckery sums it up excellently.

Chaucer's Bitch said...

Fukery! Ha!

Not only are your notions spot on, but you've the best turn of phrase on the interwebs.

emapple said...

Hi,popping by to say thanks for the lovely comment on my blog. Much appreciated.

This is a great blog. I studiously avoid Sunday papers due to their general smugness and not having time to read them. However I am now planning to read some of the links so I can join in the indignation.


Bowleserised said...

I got my Popbitch mail out today and it included this little gem:

"Madonna's "fashion" collection is not exactly flying off the shelves at H&M. Word is that there's little surprise among designers at the store. Focus group feedback said the range looked cheap and there was a move to limit the launch to just accessories, which are stronger.
But bosses over-ruled and went ahead to avoid any negative media fallout from a delay, plus avoid confrontation with Her Madgeness."

Occasional Poster of Comments said...

I saw the shortened TV version earlier this week - the cuts make it even weirder. And more disturbing. It goes: kid is marched in to see Madonna, looks defiant, then scared, is marched off, unwillingly stripped and pulled about by a couple of men, put in a junior version of what Madonna's wearing, then seems happy and a little smug, flunky falls at Madonna's feet. No explanation at all. Subtext seemed to be: scare a kid to death and she'll thank you for it, presumably because fashion is everything, and Madonna is fashion.

Hmm, therefore Madonna is everything. Actually, that's probably what it's really saying, isn't it? In fact, the first time I saw it I didn't even spot the H&M logo, and I was looking (I wanted to know what the hell company had screwed themselves with such a misjudged ad).

Fi said...

I thought a fluffer was someone who ruffled the rear arse feathers of a chicken prior to artificial insemination?

(a bit like that last pose adopted by boiler Madge next to the shredder in the vid).

Watching that made me want to gob rather than spit. But your comments? Spot on!

But oh what a find to wander over here.

Brilliant - will be back, prepared for srong language and stronger views. Thank you!!

Gertrude said...

Thank you for the post, pretty helpful info.