Sunday, 15 April 2007

Ethically-Conscious Miscellaneous Hate Page

We know it's common but we love it anyway
1. Fashion Phones.

Hurrah, they've thought of something else they can attach a designer's name to. Whoop de fucking doo.

Would you buy a date from a cad?

For starters, David is a woman in drag. The stubble is definitely painted on. But that aside, do we really need a guide to men who will treat women really badly? What's next month, OWM's Guide to Cruising for a Bruising?

I'm sure the gentlemen in your feature will be very grateful for the free advertising. Doubtless more effective than leaving flyers in phoneboxes.

Katherine Hamnett

We'll confess to a soft spot for Katharine Hamnett. She's on our longlist for future fluffers. But Tesco?

Anatomy of a Marriage

Now then. We could talk about the subject matter, but we'll leave that to the SM lifestyle websites. We could talk about the subjects. Contracts for sexual contact? We can't get past the urge to yell 'YOU FREAKS!' which coming from us is a bit, well scary, frankly. We could ask about the cardboard erection. What? Where's the picture? Frankly we're too bemused to address any of those questions so instead we shall celebrate the fact that the first sentence is about shopping. Indeed the first paragraph is about shopping. In fact, four paragraphs later, we're still talking about shopping. OWM - sometimes our hatred for you almost collapses into affection. Almost, but not quite.

The abuse wasn't about sex. It was about control.

Good to see that OWM is following the advice of Grazia.

"The key is succesful women in trauma. But unlike the Daily Mail, Grazia seems like it is on their side. That's really clever."

What I know about men, by Carol Vorderman

I started to read the Men are from Mars book, because my girlfriend was banging on about it. I only got to about page 11. But my girlfriends have read it cover to cover. And I was: 'Why are you trying to analyse everything?' Because it's very, very simple. The old adage: treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. That's it. It worked in the Seventies, it works now. But the mobile phone is the killer, not for me, but for my girlfriends, who are always bloody texting! It's too easy, and it's too much! I'd be freaked out by that if I were a man, wouldn't you? The old: 'Oh, he's only sent me 17 texts ...' Leave it for three hours before you reply, will you, not 30 seconds! That's what I'd do. But then, I like my space. I like time out. I don't like to be clung to, and I don't do clingy. Can't do clingy. No.
We haven't read prose like that since we left James Joyce on the 192 bus. Was this interview taken by a journalist or a typist on a cocktail of work experience and crack?


Oh look, you can win a pair of stupidly uncomfortable high heels, in a competition sponsored by Compeed, who make potions to heal the wounds caused by stupidly uncomfortable high heels.

It's not often we say nice things, but we must admit this is genius.


CunningStunt said...

what the hell this was the worse one yet, what are all those cutsie "we love......" badges? Oh and "we know their common but we love them...." regarding "YSL" handbags - I think I must be living on a different planet to these people and have been fortunate not to meet a woman yet who this could be marketed at - In my (male) opinion the more downmarket womens mags are 10 times better eg chat and take a break - no pretention their - you get articles like "We met in Crete....6 weeks later I killed him with an axe" not to mention handy domestic hints and tips,even in (dare I say it) "cosmo" (i have flicked thru it purely in the interests of sociological research) you can read the problem pages and read letters like "please help my vagina farts". sheesh p.s. dolly can I borrow a few bob?

cinnamon.mcbadger said...

The 'Hire an Utter Bastard' for the evening thing made me spit, I mean is it not enough that we have to deal with our fair share of those type of men without actually having to part with money for the 'pleasure'? Dont get me started on the 'ethical is chic' bullshit, I swear I almost tore the magazine into tiny little pieces but refrained because I was sitting in the park and had already scared the small children of the family sitting nearby with my muttering, spitting and shouting 'Oh for the love of Jebus' out loud.

CunningStunt said...

im seriously thinking about not buying that paper anymore but whats the alternative? indy? nothing? how else are you spposed to while away the hours on a sunday?

Spitting Mad said...

"you get articles like "We met in Crete....6 weeks later I killed him with an axe"

y'see that's the kind of editorial values that OWM sorely needs. Welcome, Mr Stunt.

Cinnamon - We're starting to think you're our long lost sister. Scaring small children in the park is our favourite Sunday activity.

Sarah said...

Yes, but the downmarket magazines are full of Jade Fucking Goody and Kerry Katona moaning about their boob job/drugs hell/bastard babyfathers/driving lessons

I thought the Stuart Rose interview was possibly the most ill-conceived bollocks I had ever read. Thanks for reading the no-sex-couple interview for me too. I think the reason was simple. He looked like Quentin Top Gear Willson. I mean, would you?

cinnamon.mcbadger said...

Scaring children? my FAVOURITE pastime. That and wearing a badge that says 'I love my Cunt'. [this tends to scare the mothers of said young children as they try to phonetically spell it out]

Urban Chick said...

what is it with soi-disant 'cads' at the moment? even goddamn woman's 'bring back martha' hour was in on the act

agree - next month it'll be: 'guys that slap you around and land you in a hostel: why they're WORTH it'


oh, and huh, just HUH? to one of their eco-friendly slebs in the 'going up' list:

"Angelina Jolie tries to fly commercial when she goes shopping for the kids."


quick, make that woman a UN ambassador or better still have her canonised (if she's not already catholic, surely she will willingly convert)

BLTP said...

I just leave it in the shop or recycle it on the way home from shop as i read it once and was so annoyed i never went back.If I was the target audience iw ould be ver insulted. The whole observer/guardian has got very glib and trite lately with nore and more celeb .

sian and crooked rib said...

ok, this isn;t really in response to a post, but just reading "k-day" o w nonsense.
oh kate moss. oh how we love her. oh isn't she every woman's dream. oh we must all buy her clothes because oh she is a model.,,2031279,00.html
the continuing adoration for kate moss teaches women that they are valued on being SILENT and being pretty and wearing clothes.
she takes the limelight away from women who have actually achieved stuff, women start to see themselves through the lense of commodity equalling success. as long as the media keeps pushing the idea that kate is some kind of ideal, then the less women's actual achievements will be valued, because achievement only is measured by beauty.

Anonymous said...

...Oh god I think I'm in love. Followed a link from the Kate Moss article, I am SO GLAD that someone else has seen OWN to be the pointless trash that it is. Can I have your babies? All of you?

Anonymous said...

There's a great scene in Nathan Barley, written by the genius that is Chris Morris, where a middle-class woman waxes lyrical at a guy for wanting to date a model (all eyelashes and leg-flashes). Nathan Barley just sneers 'What's the matter? Thighs feeling a bit chunky'. And that's what I feel like sneering at you people. Let me assure you and your sisters that such feminist spoutings are no longer acceptable and that myself and my large group of friends how sworn off English ladies and moved to dating the beautiful, non-muffin-top, pleasant girls from all over the world who have descended on our beautiful capital. It will be very, very interesting when, in a few years, you have to write into the Observer mag you depsise: 'I can't find a man' states Harriet, 34, six 16 (How my Polish friends laugh at English girls for that) from Highgate. Good luck with that.

Spitting Mad said...

Thanks for the lovely comments everyone.

sian: we may have a spit at K-day before the week is out. Although can't help thinking that ignoring it and hoping it goes away is the best option.

anon1: Mwah. that's the closest we've come yet to finding our office fluffer ;-)

anon2: Marvellous darling, our very first troll! Do please hang around, we could use an office footstool, too. One word of advice: When the Blessed St. Morris hooked up with the Divine St. Brooker to form the Immaculate Conception of Nathan Barley, they didn't really expect many of their viewers to say 'oh wow, that guy thinks just like I do!' I guess there's always one.

Thanks for your comment though. It was well Mexico, man.

Urban Chick said...

who doesn't love a troll, eh?

well, ok, the three billy goats gruff...

mongsrpeople2 said...

Well hello, new edition to my favourites list (I do hope you're proud).

Praise the lordah for this blog, I have somewhere to vent my monthly vexations!

Can I add some addtional spleen re the Guardian Weekend magazine? It can be even worse than OWM, with its bloody smug bastard lifestyle editorials juxtaposed against moist-eyed exposes of Somalian refugees. How does working on this publication not cause weekly ethical crises? Every time I pick it up it makes me want to donate my worldly possessions and go and live on a kibbutz. And I'm not a very charitable person.

rivergirlie said...

what a fantastic idea for a blog. i can see i'm going to be visiting regularly. couldn't you deconstruct the sunday time style supplement too. it makes me CRAZY

Interval Drinks said...

Yes, yes, and yes. I still read the damn thing each month though, tutting and muttering as I do

Shots said...

And isn't it just peachy that Carol is the media fave for a representation of a woman with a high IQ?

I'm loving Observer Woman makes me Spit, though I must admit I was hoping it would be all about Barbara Ellen and her silly little column...

Jo said...

Commenting again already; you drove me to it, m'lud!

Let us not forget that the original title of Nathan Barley's show (in TVGoHome) was "Cunt". Marvellous.

No, Take A Break/That's Life etc don't run articles about slebs which is another reason to treasure them (I swear I don't work for Bauer!).

And the Grauniad Weekend is rapidly becoming unreadable, too. Sigh. Give me back my Guardian!