Sunday, 8 July 2007

Look into our eyes. We still hate you.

Don't think you can throw us off the scent by hiding your tawdry magazine inside a fake cover. And is it just us, or does Katharine Hamnett have a look in her eyes that says: 'if you even think about using my photo in this car advert I'm going to rip out your liver with a spoon and feed it to my cats.'



We know it's common but we love it anyway

3. Woobs. Like Moobs - man boobs - but on women. They're everywhere!


Look, we know most of your friends have either starved themselves to the shape of a chopstick or else had their breasts hacked off, but moobs on a woman are called 'boobs.' They used to be quite fashionable. Now stop talking wollocks.



5. Ice cream vans The chimes thrill us, decades after we should have outgrown the whole scene. This season, we're particularly enjoying laughing cruelly at the youngsters who hang back from the Mr Whippee-inspired frenzy, crying: 'I'm not allowed! I'm dairy intolerant!'


Oh yes, it's hilarious. The only thing more fun is popping by the children's ward and tying knots in the tubes hanging out of the life support machines. If you time it right they turn the perfect shade of blue to match the new Dolce & Gabbana Allyson handbag. What a giggle.


EVERYBODY'S... logging onto http://www.datemypet.com/



OK, we know the OWM team are desperate but... .




Irvine Welsh: What I know about women


"When we did Wedding Belles we didn't want to do all that Bridget
Jones shit, about shopping and finding the right man, because very few women are actually obsessed with any of that. Few women are that one-dimensional"


You've never read Observer Woman, have you Irvine?



Hilary Duff: What I know about men


"I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend!"


That's, like, more like it. Like, pay attention Irvine Welsh.




When Polly Met Björk


Here at Spitting Mad HQ, we have a little game we like to play whenever we see that Polly Vernon has been sent to interview someone, we like to call it Polly Bingo. The first round is 'kiss and make-up' and the rules are simple: Count how many words it takes from the beginning before Polly mentions the application of make-up or cosmetics.


"Björk ambles around the chintzy suite of a west London hotel, smearing moisturiser into her face in an inexpert manner..."


Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen we have a new record - only 11 words wasted. Polly is on form today.


Round 2. Designer name drop. Count how many words it takes before Polly shoehorns in the name of a fashion designer.


"Björk ambles around the chintzy suite of a west London hotel, smearing moisturiser into her face in an inexpert manner. She paws at her cheeks and her forehead, she rubs her upper eyelids aggressively, she drags at her skin. She's wearing a long, embroidered kaftan over metallic-silver leggings, a look she's accessorised with a long necklace, which seems to be made of discarded Barbie-doll limbs. A pair of cracked-silver Vivienne Westwood dolly shoes lie a little to one side"


Ding ding ding! We make that 72 words. Slightly disappointing after such early promise but still comfortably within the first paragraph. Good work.


Round 3. See how far Polly gets into the interview before she starts complaining about how difficult this interviewing malarkey is.


And then there's her logic. For example, she'll say, on the subject of her creative process: 'Music for me is like fact. Like algebra.' And she'll expect you to understand what she means.

But we're not getting on very well. We're having a bit of a row. She's objecting to one of my questions - which I thought was mild enough. I asked her at what point in her career she first felt famous; and she's reacted badly. Really badly.

'What a question!' she says. She laughs, angrily. She looks at me. No one speaks.


That's from the fifth paragraph. Polly babe, you're on fire.


Then: 'That's a bit Hello! magazine, isn't it?'


Hahaha. No Björk , that's a bit Observer Woman magazine. It's not just Irvine Welsh who hasn't read it before is it?


Now, she says: 'I think in Hollywood, if you don't wear black Armani, you get executed immediately. But mostly er, I'm surprised it's still a big deal. I'm surprised journalists are still talking about it.'

We don't have much imagination, I explain. Björk laughs.



We like Björk .


I ask Björk about fashion. She's got strong associations with the industry; Alexander McQueen made her a frock for one of her videos, she's often championed the more challenging designs of people like Rei Kawakubo and Sophia Kokosolaki. Does she love fashion?

'Not really. I don't really like it.'



We like Björk a lot.


"I ask her some more searching questions; and she responds well. Björk's been with Matthew Barney for six years; before that, she'd had a series of relationships, some of which were high-profile."



Erm... some more searching questions? Like 'so, are you going out with anyone at the moment?' Polly, Polly, Polly. Just give it up and talk about shopping like you usually do.


"Björk likes me in the end. We talk about shopping"




Lisa Hilton on cheating


"Nothing kills passion like propinquity"


"My lover and I probably spent more time discussing our work, our friends and our ambitions because we were never mired in the quotidian"


"A certain latitude has always been permitted to men, but sexual appetence in women is regarded with deep suspicion"



Blimey. Did someone get a thesaurus for her birthday?


Well our appetence for spitting bile needs more lubrication. We shall disentangle ourselves from the quotidian until we find ourselves in the propinquity of some more booze.


We haven't even got started on
Paul McKenna yet...

113 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was halfway through reading some kind of Observer Woman article, and then I remembered your website and thought it would be easier and less suicide-inducing just to read that instead.

You are very resilient: reading Observer Woman and only wanting to spit. I think that's a positive and admirable response. Observer Woman makes me want to die and take everyone else with me.

Bowleserised said...

I was looking forward to your take on the Bjork/Vernon interview – hurrah!

Shim said...

I'm getting increasingly annoyed by the line "We know it's common but we love it anyway". There's nothing wrong with being common, you highlighted gaggle of peacocks, and anyway hardly any of that stuff you bring up is actually common. Woobs? WOOBS? No. Common is dock-off mugs of tea and corned beef butties without the crusts cut off, not "sneaking into pub loos". Anyone can sneak into pub loos. Even people with a title and a mansion in Bucks.

madcow said...

Bjork and Polly Vernon in the same room - I would have loved to have been a fly on the ceiling for that one. Does PV really believe that we are interested in makeup, designer clothes and shopping? What a waste of an interview.

liz (not jones) said...

Bjork 1 Vernon 0

And wot no Liz Jones and Lionel Shriver? Have they fallen out with OWM? Was it (Prada) handbags at dawn?

patroclus said...

Oh christ, 'propinquity' and 'quotidian' are two of my favourite words. Arses.

(I'm not Lisa Hilton, btw.)

I only read the Paul McKenna article, but immediately took exception to the line (I'm paraphrasing from memory) 'show me a woman who wouldn't like to lose a stone and I'll show you...a man.'.

No.

I have no earthly interest in losing a stone. If I lost a stone, I would be ill. I'm interested in being healthy, in getting enough exercise, in eating healthy food, in breathing clean air, but I have no desire whatever to lose a stone.

I'm also a woman. A relatively sane one, it seems, with a proper sense of priorities. So OWM can stop telling me that because I'm female I should be neurotic about my body. I like my body just as it is, thank you very much.

thegirl said...

Brilliant, just brilliant.

You are duly bookmarked.

pearlprotein said...

I only read OWM yesterday so I could come and here and read what you wrote about it. you know I love you.

p.s. got lots of admiring looks about my t-shirt at Glasto, I'll send you a pic just as soon as I find my damn USB thing.

Anonymous said...

When I was a teenager in the early 90s, I used to read Bridget Jones and think it was a satire on this sort of stuff.

(I think "woobs" must have been meant as a joke though.)

Anonymous said...

you are fucking brilliant.

minxy said...

Most disappointing - I didn't feel my gorge rise to post-apocalyptic levels this month! I really enjoyed the feature on Dorothy Rowe; a real heroine, and not one in an ethical vest. Must try harder, OWM. Oh, only when P Vernon wrote 'Björk likes me in the end'. It's not your job as a writer to be liked, tithead, just to tell the bleeding truth.

Billy said...

"6. Airport I Spy
Little Britain themed stag do in transit: 1 point. Four generations of the same family physically scrapping over the last seat in departures: 2 points. D-list celeb trying to swing an upgrade: 4 points. Sweet-tempered and non-officious cabin crew: 7 points."

What? They obviously hang out at different airports than me.

Ms Robinson said...

Polly Vernon: A 13 year old girl inside the body of a hungry nine year old boy.

thegirlfrommarz said...

I flicked through Observer Woman tonight, but when it got to the point where I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than read any more of their cynical, vacuous, shallow, vicious, brain-numbing twaddle, I turned to your blog instead. So I'm not as well-read as usual.

Delighted to see the resurrection of that old woman's mag (from mags aimed at VERY young women who are just about naive enough to fall for it) standby, the "what men think about X" interview with five entirely unrepresentative men they dragged off the street.

I love your blog, and am so glad you're here to take on the trainwreck that is OWM every month. But how do we make the Observer STOP? I'm not sure how much longer I can go on reading a newspaper which has so much contempt for its female readers.

Bowleserised said...

Has it occurred to anyone else that having the ol' OWM means that the Observer can shuffle coverage of amazing women like Bjork into a ghetto of slebs 'n' handbags 'n' girly giggles instead of giving her the space she deserves in the grown ups' part of the paper?

Lucy said...

"I only read the Paul McKenna article, but immediately took exception to the line (I'm paraphrasing from memory) 'show me a woman who wouldn't like to lose a stone and I'll show you...a man.'."

I have a chronic digestive condition which makes it impossible for me to put on weight. If I lost a stone, I'd probably be hospitalised.

Fuck you, Paul McKenna.

patroclus said...

Bowleserised makes a very good point. Also Lucy, to be fair to Paul McKenna (although he creeps me out, so I'm not sure I want to be fair to him), it was the journalist that said that typically brainless thing about losing a stone, not him.

Kerry said...

I've just found your blog. I love it more than life itself.

Spitting Mad said...

thanks for all your comments, bowlerised - how right, women are being sidelined both as subjects and readers.

Once again OWM has presented a vile, commercialised, unrepresentative, cliquey version of women.

I've seen more enlightened women in carry on films.

BTW my t shirt fits fine, like a proper 16 with enough length to cover my favourite rolls!

xxdollyxx

Lucy said...

Patroclus - thanks, just goes to show I should read something properly before getting angry about it! Paul McKenna's still a wanker though.

sian and crooked rib said...

where to start!!!
first of all - woobs?? woobs?? since when did women stop having breasts?
since when were breasts a male trait?

2ndly - hilary duff. particularly like the moment where she seems to deny lesbian existence in one foul swoop - maybe she can't imagine having a girlfriend but that doesn't mean that it has to be a man for everyone. also great closing there about how she has to be careful that her being successful doesn't make a guy feel less of a man.
can we please stop hiding our achievements to pacify men!!
i loved the fact polly vernon says she wants to ask bjork about her feminism (something she has been excellently vocal about in other interviews) and then...doesn't.
genius.

GreatSheElephant said...

I dunno. I quite enjoyed this issue. Apart that is from the Irvine Welsh quote where he said he was now prepared to date older women i.e. those as little as 10 years younger than himself. That made me want to kill him, not the OWM team though.

Misssy M said...

It's a while since I've popped over to Spitting Mad. Too long. I've no real observations to add but I just wanted to say: This blog is fucking hilarious.

And I love the fact these dreadful Observer Women journos read it. Can we ditto in the Guardian Weekend Fashion lot? Same gene pool.

Rose said...

With this issue OWM has, unbelievably, sunk to a whole new low.

I knew they were self-loathing, size-ist, anti-feminist, fatuous, metropolitan fashion junkies who do absolutely nothing for womanhood. But the selection of editorial this time shows that they're so far beyond mindless, they have no chance of making it back to anything remotely resembling sanity.

PS - Lisa Hilton should hook up with Nirpal. Clearly, they deserve each other.

Miss Deadline said...

Absolutely brilliant. Your sentiments are shared with quite a few at Observer Towers.......

SpanishGoth said...

Fucking hell - you're madder than me.

Would like to read the Bjork v Cantona interview though.

(came by via Boob Pencil :)

Anonymous said...

Anything on Christa Da Souza on here? She's revolting x

Spitting Mad said...

Plenty on Christa here, anonymous:

http://spittingmadwoman.blogspot.com/2007/05/when-i-am-old-i-shall-wear-pvc.html

Hello and thanks to all the new names and faces. MissDeadline, you intrigue us!

Been evicted yet Spanish Goth?

Simon K said...

Just to let you know that it's not only women who hate Observer Woman. The first issue actually drove my wife and I to switch to the Indy on Sunday for a while. We're back with the Observer for now, but once every four weeks we really have to hold our noses.

Love your blog, but worried by the number of comments saying "I'm reading OWM just to see what Spitting Mad have to say about it". Don't do it! These brave people are forcing themselves to read OWM solely so that you don't have to. Don't let their sacrifice be for nothing!

armchair activist said...

Hilary Duff's "What I know about men" was absolute nonsense.

"Woman are definitely home-makers."

"I don't want someone who has much less because then you never really feel taken care of. And it would always make a guy feel not like a man."

"I'm not really a flirt, but I am a girl." - what does that even mean?

EmmaK said...

I don't get it. Where should Woobs be if not on a woman's chest? Attached to Polly Vernon's labia? I've been out of the UK for seven years and this is how retarded the Observer has become? For shame!

patroclus said...

In anticipation of your post on today's effort, I'd just like to draw people's attention to the following:

1) OWM only exists in order to sell glossy ad space to advertisers so that the Observer can earn enough cash to keep the newspaper going.

2) On the strength of today's magazine, it isn't doing a very good job of attracting the sort of luxury ads you see adorning the pages of e.g. Vogue and Marie Claire. Today we have: Skoda, Boots, Volkswagen, Miele, L'Oréal, Sony, Dove, the film 'Waitress', Right Guard, Harrods, Soft & Gentle, Furniture Village, Freixenet. Hardly very aspirational, is it? It's as if the ad department is telling advertisers: "our readership consists of women with no taste in furniture, who smell, like cheap booze, and are attracted by the prospect of owning a pink laptop."

Although actually perhaps that's better than assuming that we're as obsessed by designer clothes and celebrity gossip as their editorial staff are.

thegirlfrommarz said...

I'm looking forward to your comment on this month's issue. Then I'll be ripping up OWM and posting it to the Observer Editor with a letter pointing out that the paper's entire female readership is not braindead and treating them as though they are is only going to stop women from buying the Observer altogether.

If anyone else would care to join my crusade, please feel free.

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FeminismsAliveinLondon said...

I bloody love this blog. Haven't bought the Observer for 2 years following publication of that sad excuse for broadsheet journalism, the OWM. Glad to have found some other sane women around.

spruik said...

Are you stil here? I made the mistake of reading the eroneously “Total Women’s Health” and I want to vent and find other angry people:

- Leading with two individual womens’ stories so fabulously specific and concise as to be devoid of interest for the remaining population, followed by a page and a half of absent-minded pondering on whether it’s the appearance or the physical effects of aging which are more worrying (answer: both); a pondering dominated by the image of the back of a womens’ head, tied in ribbons, from which I can only assume the stylist was a ecologically minded bondage enthusiast recycling bunting from a bake sale, or possibly a just a total mentalist with less interest in women’s health than the author of the article -

which literally sidelined a half page thing I imagine in the industry might be referred to as a “skim-and-scare” - on whether it’s more worrying to conceive before or after 35 (answer: both)

“When it comes to having children, timing is not always on our side”

Really? Amazing! Next month, we ask, “just how fucking is the obvious?”

followed a full page advert for whitening toothpaste.
Whitening Toothpaste!!!!!!

Once again not only totally failing to explore anything remotely important about women’s health, but solidly adhering to the ranks of manufacturing and re-enforcing neurosis with vacuous drivel.

Perhaps I should buy myself some shoes and I’ll feel better/younger.

I know I shouldn't have read it I might just stop buying sodding observer.

Anonymous said...

good news, guys - OWM's closing

sonia said...

I think your obsessive dissecting of her articles is a bit bizarre... if they're so terrible, why do you bother reading them? Wouldn't it be more worth your while to channel your energy into something more constructive - like learning a new language, spending more time with your family, traveling, or, dare I say, looking after your mental health? That subject you feel OWM does not adequately address?

Wouldn't it be nice to just try to be happier people?

Best wishes,

Sonia

mrs p said...

Time to comment on the Polly Vernonism of the Observer magazine - I. don't. care. what. you. bought. this. week.

Joe said...

Hello. I really like this. It would be easy to say (as others have) 'if you don't like it don't buy it' but I know there is a weird phenomenon where one feels that something should be good even though it is obviously utter crap. The Guardian/Observer are a perfect example. When you actually look at it clearly most of the articles are written by talentless and pretentious egotists. Somehow we'd like to think that the least bad newspaper is actually good. IN reality they are all just different shades of brown.

Anonymous said...

Well, well said. These girlies have fought their way to the top of the journo pile and then sit there like fat cats enjoying the spoils of war. Nothing says politics is dead as much as the fashion-drenched, intellectual graveyard of the OWM.

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