We know it's common but we love it anyway
3. Woobs. Like Moobs - man boobs - but on women. They're everywhere!
Look, we know most of your friends have either starved themselves to the shape of a chopstick or else had their breasts hacked off, but moobs on a woman are called 'boobs.' They used to be quite fashionable. Now stop talking wollocks.
5. Ice cream vans The chimes thrill us, decades after we should have outgrown the whole scene. This season, we're particularly enjoying laughing cruelly at the youngsters who hang back from the Mr Whippee-inspired frenzy, crying: 'I'm not allowed! I'm dairy intolerant!'
Oh yes, it's hilarious. The only thing more fun is popping by the children's ward and tying knots in the tubes hanging out of the life support machines. If you time it right they turn the perfect shade of blue to match the new Dolce & Gabbana Allyson handbag. What a giggle.
EVERYBODY'S... logging onto http://www.datemypet.com/
OK, we know the OWM team are desperate but... .
"When we did Wedding Belles we didn't want to do all that Bridget
Jones shit, about shopping and finding the right man, because very few women are actually obsessed with any of that. Few women are that one-dimensional"
You've never read Observer Woman, have you Irvine?
"I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend!"
That's, like, more like it. Like, pay attention Irvine Welsh.
Here at Spitting Mad HQ, we have a little game we like to play whenever we see that Polly Vernon has been sent to interview someone, we like to call it Polly Bingo. The first round is 'kiss and make-up' and the rules are simple: Count how many words it takes from the beginning before Polly mentions the application of make-up or cosmetics.
"Björk ambles around the chintzy suite of a west London hotel, smearing moisturiser into her face in an inexpert manner..."
Woohoo! Ladies and gentlemen we have a new record - only 11 words wasted. Polly is on form today.
Round 2. Designer name drop. Count how many words it takes before Polly shoehorns in the name of a fashion designer.
"Björk ambles around the chintzy suite of a west London hotel, smearing moisturiser into her face in an inexpert manner. She paws at her cheeks and her forehead, she rubs her upper eyelids aggressively, she drags at her skin. She's wearing a long, embroidered kaftan over metallic-silver leggings, a look she's accessorised with a long necklace, which seems to be made of discarded Barbie-doll limbs. A pair of cracked-silver Vivienne Westwood dolly shoes lie a little to one side"
Ding ding ding! We make that 72 words. Slightly disappointing after such early promise but still comfortably within the first paragraph. Good work.
Round 3. See how far Polly gets into the interview before she starts complaining about how difficult this interviewing malarkey is.
And then there's her logic. For example, she'll say, on the subject of her creative process: 'Music for me is like fact. Like algebra.' And she'll expect you to understand what she means.
But we're not getting on very well. We're having a bit of a row. She's objecting to one of my questions - which I thought was mild enough. I asked her at what point in her career she first felt famous; and she's reacted badly. Really badly.
'What a question!' she says. She laughs, angrily. She looks at me. No one speaks.
That's from the fifth paragraph. Polly babe, you're on fire.
Then: 'That's a bit Hello! magazine, isn't it?'
Hahaha. No Björk , that's a bit Observer Woman magazine. It's not just Irvine Welsh who hasn't read it before is it?
Now, she says: 'I think in Hollywood, if you don't wear black Armani, you get executed immediately. But mostly er, I'm surprised it's still a big deal. I'm surprised journalists are still talking about it.'
We don't have much imagination, I explain. Björk laughs.
We like Björk .
I ask Björk about fashion. She's got strong associations with the industry; Alexander McQueen made her a frock for one of her videos, she's often championed the more challenging designs of people like Rei Kawakubo and Sophia Kokosolaki. Does she love fashion?
'Not really. I don't really like it.'
We like Björk a lot.
"I ask her some more searching questions; and she responds well. Björk's been with Matthew Barney for six years; before that, she'd had a series of relationships, some of which were high-profile."
Erm... some more searching questions? Like 'so, are you going out with anyone at the moment?' Polly, Polly, Polly. Just give it up and talk about shopping like you usually do.
"Björk likes me in the end. We talk about shopping"
"Nothing kills passion like propinquity"
"My lover and I probably spent more time discussing our work, our friends and our ambitions because we were never mired in the quotidian"
"A certain latitude has always been permitted to men, but sexual appetence in women is regarded with deep suspicion"
Blimey. Did someone get a thesaurus for her birthday?
Well our appetence for spitting bile needs more lubrication. We shall disentangle ourselves from the quotidian until we find ourselves in the propinquity of some more booze.
We haven't even got started on Paul McKenna yet...