Tuesday, 7 August 2007

Probing the G-Spit

OWM writer goes shopping shock:


"These days, shopping for an erotic dvd and a pair of fluffy handcuffs is just like browsing at Dolce and Gabbana, says Mimi Spencer"

It's called porn you plummy-gobbed twazzock.

We spoke to D & G and they said next time can you mention them 5 times instead of 3, oh and that they hope you like the dress.

Opinion is divided about this feature round at OWMMS. One side of the sofa says it is pretentious, voyeuristic, immature and annoying. The other side of the room says it's pretentious, voyeuristic, immature and annoyingly well-written. Mimi - move on. You can do better. You don't need to write the 952nd article this year about women's new-found sexual confidence.

Buy porn and sex toys - yep, we've all been there. Corsets and lingerie? Who hasn't. Extracting a finger from the backside of a handsome gentleman lying prone in a basement in Piccadilly? Hell, that's a quiet Saturday night.

Kathryn Flett

"Well it hasn't happened to me-but if thats what the G-spot really stands for then I'd be delighted if someone enterprising decided to help me locate it. Ideally in this lifetime"


Kathryn, meet Mimi. Mimi, meet Kathryn.

Seriously, shall we have a whipround to send dear KF to Amora, and find a volunteer to guide her to the interactive G-Spot locater?

And to Mr Anonymous -we feel for you. You must have been *so* bored.


Giles Deacon - How I Get Dressed

"There are probably about six different people I amalgamate into one muse."


Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

A-hahahaa

Haha.

Twat.


EVERYBODY'S... rushing to get seats on EOS - it's the glam way to fly to NY

Cost of one EOS flight to New York? $6,499. Number of passengers on one EOS Boeing 757? 59. Number of passengers on any other 757? 200. Number of pages devoted to ethical consumerism in the April edition of OWM? 68. Catching out OWM in their rampant, selfish, elitist hypocrisy? Priceless.

Look, even we can remember what we said in April. And we've been drunk the entire time. Just how dim are you people?



My big fat gay wedding.

Ooooh, this could be interesting...


Oh. It's an article about a frock.

(no link at the moment - maybe Ariel saw the company she was keeping...)


Gwen Stefani interview

Ooooh, this could be interesting...

Oh. It's an article about lots of frocks.


"I'm like every other woman. I'm super-vain. I have issues"


No Gwen, you're not. However you have captured the entire spirit of OWM in two short sentences. For months we have been asking who the hell OWM is aimed at - and now we know. Gwen Stefani IS Observer Woman. We've had to strike her from the future fluffer shortlist.

dolly is devastated.

35 comments:

Jonquil said...

"There has been a rise, too, in adult films specifically designed for and marketed to women - Porn Lite, if you like."

Girl porn is like boy porn -- only nicer.

I would say it's pink, but that pretty much goes without saying under the circs.

Bowleserised said...

The thing with Mimi's article is, those kind of things have been running in UK broadsheets/women's glossies since the mid 1990s, and each time it happens the writer proclaims 'Oooh! Times are changing! It's all women friendly now!' For over ten years now.
Reminds me of all those decades of features about 'Finally! Women are breaking through in rock music.'

PearlProtein said...

Bloody exactly! Spot on, Spitters.

petemaskreplica said...

For me the highpoint of this issue was right at the front, where the "Sophie's Choice" reference equates choosing which pair of sunglasses to wear with being forced to choose which of your children will be murdered by the Nazis. Outstanding.

Billy said...

Good work. Every time the Observer Woman is due, I'm happy because I know in a couple of days I'll get to read some of the highest quality vitriol imaginable. And they deserve it.

neil in hiatus said...

I`m chuffed about Giles Deacon amalgamating his muses [sic] into a handy 6-pack. Perhaps Giles failed the toughest module at Fashion College - The Tom Ford Evolutionary Step Program.Straight men would seem to be at a disadvantage here.
Muse-amalgamation is not enough, merging with or becoming your own muse is, quite simply, only for the elite.The acquisition of `Female consciousness` is also available for star pupils.

thegirlfrommarz said...

The Sophie's Choice reference was a highlight for me too, petemaskreplica.

I read the first couple of "We know it's common..." items (getting excited about European service stations and loving the agony of waxing) to a male friend who wanted to know why I was frothing at the mouth while I read OWM.

He looked at me in horror and said "Do they think you're all stupid?"

To which the answer must be "yes".

liz (not jones) said...

I also thought the sunglasses/ holocaust juxtaposition was jawdroppingly tasteless. And Gwen, if my picture was on the cover of OWM, I'd cry too. Although I thought I had turned to Pseuds Corner in Private Eye by mistake when I read her description of the clothes she'd designed: 'a little bit Sound of Music. A little bit of Orange County. A little bit of the Rastafarian rasta girls. A little bit English Great Gatsby garden-party girls. Pretty much the same thing I always do, but different versions of it.' Deary me.

But did anyone else notice the new Film Magazine? Is this being introduced to slowly edge out OWM? Have The Observer powers that be realised that despite the fact that they only have to produce twelve editions a year, the best idea the OWM staff could come up with this month is to do an edition with a general frock theme, with, um, a bit of sex, celebrities, and shopping thrown in? I'd rather have 25 year old Martin Amis articles about E.T. any day.

patroclus said...

The Film mag was a sponsored supplement (can't remember who was sponsoring - obviously someone with a lot of money to spend), whereas the OWM is meant to be a genuine part of the paper, and thus is meant to reflect the paper's general editorial stance and ethos.

Who would have thought that the Observer's general editorial stance and ethos was 'we believe women are all shallow, stupid and vain'? Well, we know now.

Spitting Mad said...

Great comments everyone, sorry we haven't been around to join in the chat.

That's such a good spot on Sophie's Choice. These people are so classy, aren't they? Shall look forward to a piece about body sprays called Schindler's Mist.

Sunny H said...

By the way ladies, I hear the next issue of OWM is going to have a feature on upcoming feminists. Maybe its their way of trying to deflect criticism ;)

liz (not jones) said...

If the OWM is true to form, the articles will probably discuss at length what great legs/ clothes/ skin the Upcoming Feminist has. If their choice of Upcoming Feminists is as spot on as their list of the 50 men who most understand women, then I fully expect Jordan (she started as a glamour model and now she's in charge of her own business empire), the editor of Grazia (she runs a magazine that truly understands what todays woman thinks) and some handbag designer to be in the mix. Plus Beth Ditto in an attempt to prove to their media mates that they're cool.

Ariel said...

Thanks for the informative summaries. Observer Woman doesn't make me spit so much as heave.

Bowleserised said...

They'll probably get Jessica from Feministing.com (who is great), pat themselves on the back because she's photogenic *and* prepared to call herself a feminist, then dissolve into Jordan, Jodie Marsh, Ginger Spice...

Anybody been reading Jezebel.com? They're doing a great "LOLVogue" feature.

Ms Robinson said...

Liz -(not fucking Jones thank God) spot on and brilliant. Maybe you could do a guest editing spot? As for the Beth Ditto thing, what the hell is she doing in the Guardian giving answers to problems? Methinks it's a case of having flown over the target market by concord.

patroclus said...

Liz (not jones): do you think they will rank the 'upcoming' feminists on one of those up/down arrow fashion barometer thingies, counterbalanced with some 'so last season' feminists?

Rimshot said...

"It's called porn you plummy-gobbed twazzock."

Its almost Shakespearean in its clever turn of phrase. I MUST find a way to work it into conversation.

Anonymous said...

Darlings, I am shocked at the level of bile you reserve for a teeny weeny little fashion magazine that does nothing more than talk about Alice Temperley frocks and how to dress like a 20 year-old when you're pushing 60. Where's the harm in it? I mean how would I, and hundreds of others like me able to breathe without the reassurance that all that matters in life is a Mulberry handbag, some Coco De Mer nipple tassels and a Harvey Nicks account card. Some of us women have needs, you know.

Ms Robinson said...

Well I don't know about you people but frankly I have been absolutely lost waiting for OW this month. Since I don't have any of my own opinions, having surprisingly got to my forties without them, I wait with bated breath for this treatise on feminism, no doubt led by that icon of the movement Polly 'Greer' Vernon.

Bowleserised said...

On today's issue. Erm. Who lobotomised Marianne Macdonald?

Anonymous said...

From Decca Aitkenhead's review, in yesterday's Guardian Review, of Andrew Anthony's book The Fall Out: How A Guilty Liberal Lost His Innocence.

"For some years now, there has been speculation among my friends as to what the Observer can be putting in its water. Ever since 9/11, hitherto sane left-of-centre staff on the paper keep outing themselves as surprise cheerleaders for Washington's neocons, draconian anti-terror laws, the invasion of Iraq, and any number of other policies that would normally have expected to find endorsement in the Sun."

Quite. And it is the same mentality that has spawned Observer Woman. Today's piece on the New Feminists...cripes. I'd rather have read interviews with their mums.

"These are not the clich├ęd dungaree wearers of yesteryear. These are women who are smart, funny, articulate, cool."

Give us some proof!

Ms Robinson said...

Yes and none of them have a fucking clue as to what feminism is, other than it's ok to like pole dancing. I think one of the interviewers was one of the 3am girls. Go, draw your own conclusions.

Spitting Mad said...

I think we might have a word or two to say about the New Feminism tomorrow.

In the meantime...

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