Sunday, 9 September 2007

The Return of The Lorax

The rules for autumn 2007

In: Thneeds
Most unlikely fashion item of the season? The Thneed.

Way back in the days when the grass was still green
And the pond was still wet and the clouds were still clean
A very great man with a big thinker-upper
Thunked up yours truly, not long after supper.
I wasn't there until that famous day
When he gave me a name, and then something to say.

Pay me attention - hear well if you please
For I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
I speak for survival and good common sense
But what I've just heard has been making me tense.
Listen up now, meditate on it later
I bring you sad news of my noble creator.

The Doctor, so clever, so good, wise and brave
Has sent me to say that he spins in his grave
He once wrote a book with a message to fear
So simple and wise it was perfectly clear.
It told of the creatures, the rivers, the breeze,
And the heartbreaking tale of the Truffula Trees.

The Truffula Trees were the loveliest things
The finest example of what nature brings
They brightened the day of quite all who beheld 'em
'Til ignorant imbeciles turned up and felled 'em
Spurred on by money and urged on by greed
They hacked down the Truffula just to make Thneed.

A Thneed was quite useless to man and to beast
But that didn't stop 'em, no, not in the least.
One after one, the trees fell to the axe
So greedy designers made cash to the max.
The Truffulas slaughtered and turned into Thneeds
A silly invention that nobody needs.

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.
I speak for the birds and I speak for the bees
I bring you a message from someone you trust
My brilliant creator is sick with disgust
At a vile magazine called Oh Doubleyoo Em
Famous for making its readers spit phlegm

He thought up the Thneed as a valuable lesson
He really did mean it he wasn't just messin'.
The Thneed he imagined with anger and passion
Is now up for sale in the temples of fashion.
Could it be true that the marketing folk
Would market a Thneed as post-modern joke?

High on his cloud up in genius heaven
The Doctor is shedding a tear now - or seven
In deepest depression, the great Dr Seuss
Has tears on his cheeks and his head in a noose.
In one final gesture of deepest despair
He buckles his knees...
...And he steps off his chair.

I am the Lorax, now listen - you must
All that I stand for has crumbled to dust.
To those who advise what to wear for the Autumn
To those who have made 'em and those who have bought 'em
Think on this story. Remember it well.
Think on it hard as you're burning in Hell.

(We would offer the usual apologies to Dr Seuss, but under the circumstances, it's probably not us who should be apologising.)


thegirlfrommarz said...

What's up with today's issue of OWM? It didn't totally insult my intelligence for once, despite the unpromising beginning of being touted as a "fashion special" (what, as opposed to all those fashion-free issues they've produced up until now?) - maybe the pressure's finally paying off? Or maybe the usual editorial team went on holiday and left the commissioning to some writers who are secretly feminists?

Although, having said that, the "fashion slut or fashion prude" quiz did let the side down a bit.

Rimshot said...


Anonymous said...

Ummmm - On page 42'The new Mysoginists' and on page 48, 'so, how has feminism changed? And why do we need it now?'

Duh. Really, really insightful question, eh?

Spitting Mad said...

We'll be spitting about the shoddy treatment of the new feminists later.

Ally just couldn't hold the bile down yesterday! The good Dr is something of a hero you see.

the Truffulas said...

Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

i dont know who you are but youre pretty damn cool. i have read the lorax over and over again and have performed it at various places, and i would love to be able to add in your poem at the end.
please email me at
thank you.

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