Monday, 10 September 2007

A Comedy of Errors

The scene: The OWM office, Herbal Hill, London. Summer 2007.

Nicola: Girls, girls, pop your tushes round my desk, poppets, we need to get the September issue planned - I'm meeting Liz for lunch in 35. Eva, are you back with the espressos darling? Ah yes, there you are. Where's Polly?

Polly: Here I am, Nicky.

N: Oh sorry poppet, I couldn't see you for the coatstand. Good job there aren't any coats on it or we'd have lost you forever. Kathryn? Where's Kathryn?

Eva: I last saw her under my desk, testing something called a 'Dinger'

N: Oh not again. Oh well, let's get started. I hate to tell you this girls, but the chaps on the top floor have been going on and on about values and journalistic standards and all that boring stuff again. Suggested we should do something a little more, ya know, intellectual. Something in keeping with traditions of the Observer or some such guff.

E: But we did the Ethical Special they wanted back in the Spring! You remember, the one where we nominated Simon Cowell as an ethical pin-up?

Kathryn: [from under the desk] Hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm.

N: I know, darling, I know. But apparently they want more. So I was thinking, why don't we do something on those funny women, you know, the fat, ugly ones. oh, what are they called? F-F-F-something....

E: French and Saunders?

N: No, no, no. Furries? Fannies? Femidoms? FEMINISTS, that's it.

[everyone stares]

E: You can not be serious.

N: Oh I am darling, it would be a hoot. We could get Greg to take some photos of them burning the new Janet Reger collection.

K: Ooooooooouuuuuuuuuuhhh

P: But I met a feminist once, ghastly girl - wore a sapphire blue Cavalli blouse with green eye shadow!

N: I know darling, I know....

E: And Nicky love, they're just so frightfully boring - always going on about equal this and fair that.

N: Ah, but listen, I haven't told you the best part. First of all, we can't have any old ugly people in the magazine, so they'll all have to be about 25, 26 tops, size 12 max and... now this is the brilliant bit - we give them a makeover!

P: Oh yes darling, I love it! We'll get the clothes from D&G and the slap from Liz Arden and...

K: Oh, YES! YES! YESSSSSSSS!

N: Well sorry poppets, but I ran THAT idea past Hadley at the Guardian - she once made tea for the Guardian Girls' page ya know. Anyway, she knows the sort and it turns out they wouldn't stand for it. Says it will offend their principles or something - heaven knows what that's all about. So instead, we're going to re-brand them. we'll call them the 'New Feminists!'

[rousing music]

Girls, this is our moment! I have a dream. We are going to change the world for women! We will make feminists fashionable again! We will make feminists sexy! When they see the boys falling at their feet these girls will THANK us. Girls - We must reach for the stars - we are going to get the feminists shopping!

P: Hurrah!

E: Hurrah!

K: GGgggrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E: Now, Nicky love, that's marvellous, but... err, we're not actually going to let them say anything are we?

N: SAY anything? Oh darling don't be ridiculous! Who knows what nonsense they might come out with! No no, we'll put them on a grid - just like we do with the make-up reviews - and give them about ten words at a time, they can't do much harm that way. Half a dozen questions - Lapdancing clubs - IN or OUT? Men - IN or OUT? That kind of thing.

P: We'll still need one of those big long featurey things though. What's that going to be about?

N: Got it covered, poppet. Nirpal just emailed me some links to some of his chums - just the most gorge boys you could imagine - proper rough, they write really hot blogs about how they treat us girls like dirt, find us disgusting, fuck our brains out then kick us out in the morning....

K: OH YaaaAAAAA BABY!!!!!!!!

E: Hmmm yummay!

P: Oh Nicola darling, have I ever told you, you are brilliant?

K: OOOOOOOOooooh damn, it's no use, I've lost it again. I think it only works when it's on a tongue. Anyone have a spare tongue?

E: Kathryn darling, just use your Rabbit and shut the fuck up.

N: Oh look, it's 11.15 already. Lunchtime, poppets. See you all tomorrow.

134 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Can't you get a commission for the OW sitcom? (And why does KF never "moan" about vibrators in her Grumpy Old Women "slots" on BBC-2? Always knew she was a wanker, and now she's gone and proved it to all).

Ms Robinson said...

Fucking Brilliant. When I saw the pole dancing and men questions I cringed. But some of the responses showed nobody had a fucking clue. Yes sweetie feminism does not exclude being a wife..You have done a most excellent job.

As for KF - she is a major moaner so I suppose that's why she gets the toys to test.

Lucy said...

I love you.

liz (not jones) said...

Fantastic. Do you know someone who works there?

Some of my favourite bits this month:
1.Marianne Macdonald asking the woman who runs a Wall Street hedge fund:
a.Do you buy nice clothes?
b.Was it nice to have some time off when the New York markets closed for a week following 9/11?
2.Observer Magazine p. 43: ‘Fashion past: Plum - colour of the season? Looks rubbish.’ OWM, in the ‘Shop’ section: Lots of plum coloured clothes!
3.Julie Burchill: ‘I must say I do find the idea of a piece called What I Know About Men rather risibly offensive’

Not An Idiot said...

Are you trying to say you are Feminists? How does attacking other women make you feminist I always wonder.

charl said...

not an idiot:

huh? just, HUH?

if i want to read a piece about third wave feminists (and i do), i'd rather not have their thoughts and ideas reduced to such cutesy nonsense in the form of a make-up review grid

here, let me loan you some extra brain cells...

not an idiot said...

Isn't the important thing here the fact that these women are being heard, and written about in a national magazine. I really don't understand why the format is an issue. And I certainly don't understand the unproductive anger in this blog. This isn't what Feminism is about, surely.

Spitting Mad said...

Thanks for your comments everyone.

Not An Idiot -

Firstly, whether we consider ourselves feminists or not is by the by - we're certainly not working to any ideology or agenda here beyond our own drunken meanderings. We've been called feminists by others, but we've been called plenty other names too.

Secondly, we're not having a go at the interviewees in the New Feminism feature at all. Indeed some of them are among our visitors here and most of them seem to be very admirable and likeable women.

What made us spit is that when OWM finally got around to discussing feminist ideas, they do so by reducing them to vacuous soundbites in response to brainless questions. It is hard to imagine a format less likely to produce revealing, informative, thought-provoking, persuasive or intelligent analysis.

Meanwhile the neighbouring feature on the New Misogynists was about 3,000 words long, featuring in depth interviews that gave you a real insight into the (ugly) minds of the subjects, lovingly portrayed as dashing rogues.

If you can honestly see nothing worthy of mockery and ridicule there, then you should probably just move along. Thanks for dropping by though, it's been a pleasure.

Bowleserised said...

Having read more hideous details about Mr Schaeffer on Gawker and Jezebel I can't quite believe the simpering whitewash he ended up getting.

Thank the Goddess for Spitting Mad Woman!

sian and crooked rib said...

im so glad that jess mccabe (love her!) pointed out how offensive the are men necesssary question is.
their questions to try and expose new feminism only results in reinforcing negative stereotypes.
it doesn't matter if "new" feminism means we can go to strip clubs, what matters is that "new" feminists are fighting the pay gap, empowering women and raising debate in the same way "old" feminists are. having just finished ladyfest, i am sick of the "oh look, she wears lipstick" debate, it is so irrelevant! we don't need to know that feminists wear cute clothes "unlike the dirty nasty militant old days", we need to know that women are still fighting!
it is disgusting that such intelligent and exciting women were reduced to saying, err, well, i love my boyfriend, err, lapdancing depends...instead of celebrating what they are doing.
I HATE THEM!!!! xx

Spitting Mad said...

spot on, Sian. I wonder whether the OWM team had read some of Jess's comments about OWM features in the past when they invited her.

I also loved this one from the woman from Knockback:

"The assumption that women only want to read about make-up and other people's problems pisses me off on an hourly basis. I like shoes, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to read about them."

Now there's someone who's obviously read OWM!

Incidentally, if Jess or any of the other 'New Feminists' featured should happen by this way, I'd love to know whether they knew what the the format & presentation would be before they agreed to do it. I'd also like to know how heavily edited the comments were.

Urban Chick said...

did i detect a note of surprise in the f-word's post title about the observer piece: something worth reading in the observer woman...!!

link here

scroll down a bit...

Urban Chick said...

b*gger - will try link again...

www.thefword.org.uk

Debs said...

Hi Spitting Mad Woman - love that post, hilarious!

I did a piece about this issue of Observer Woman too, and a couple of the women featured have contacted me about it. I get the impression they did not know in advance what the format and presentation was going to be like, and they also said they had been misquoted. They pretty much agreed with my summing up of the piece.

It was such a wasted opportunity - could have been so much better, but instead a whole movement was reduced to a triviality.

Debs x

Jo said...

Oh god, that piece - strewn with pictures of feminine accoutrements.

I'll point Jess in this direction...

Sunny said...

http://www.pickledpolitics.com/archives/1370

minxy said...

I used to work with Marianne Macdonald. She fancied herself even then. I think she ought to hook up with Shaeffer.

Cate Sevilla said...

Hi there -

This made me laugh so hard I almost peed a little. I was one of the "new feminists" interviewed, and I really appreciate how all of the posts I've read ripping our "feature" to shreds have been really respectful to us, and gave us the benefit of the doubt.

I wrote about my thoughts on the "feminist grid" over at my blog.

Cheers!

-Cate
x

JFM said...

Ha ha ha. Very funny. Having worked in close proximity to similar people (on different newspapers), I can vouch for your accuracy. Those involved are usually more cynical though.

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