Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Spitting in the eye of the beholder

Don't hate us because we're beautiful.



Hate you because you're beautiful? Are you kidding? It's your only saving grace! We hate you because you're simpering, dunderheaded, simplistic, patronising, trivial, superficial, irritating, offensive, overpaid, insipid, braindead, iniquitous, spoiled, halfwitted, meaningless and just plain stupid. We can think of about 762 reasons to hate you, and being beautiful doesn't make the list.



(OK, if we're honest it might sneak in at 761.)




I scrub up all right, possess a certain sleight of hand, can 'pass' as they say... Friends routinely remark upon the attention that I draw in public...

...I was deputy chief leader writer of the Times at the time.


My life is brilliant.


In straight men the reaction can be still more unnerving (and here I have gone beyond buttock-clenching and find myself nail biting and tugging my hair).
Declarations of love at first sight have been the least unpalatable

My love is pure.


Based on my looks, the assumption tends to be that I am ethereal, unworldly, a receptacle for romantic fantasy; or flighty, provocative, somewhere where lust might be parked


I saw an angel.

or flighty, provocative, somewhere where lust might be parked. Beauty, the scant portion I can claim of it, has proved double-edged to say the least.


Of that I'm sure.


'I know I am attractive, and, yes, when I walk down the street people do look at me. I'm tall, muscular and black


You're beautiful.


'I never feel I look good and in a way it's a good thing. The constant insecurity keeps you grounded.'


You're beautiful.


'People who haven't seen me for 10 years are always really surprised in a "Wow, is that really you?" type way.'


You're beautiful, it's true.


If I go to a bar I am never chatted up, where an average-looking friend would be. Men steer clear. I'd think: "Bloody hell. What's wrong with me?" If you are attractive, men are put off.'


I saw your face in a crowded place,


I'm always supposed to have batted my eyelashes, wrapped someone around my little finger, had my way with them. My looks may help me through the door, but they're a liability once I get in there.


And I don't know what to do,


As an actress of 21, loathing the superficiality of her career and the men attracted by it, Pilar Santelices, 28, opted to become a pre-novice nun,


'Cause I'll never be with you.







No really, we don't hate you because you are beautiful. We hate you because you insult us once a month with consumerist trash. We hate you because you serve us a fucked-up facsimile of womanhood and expect us to fill our faces with it. We hate you because you run features with all the insight, wit and verve of THAT fucking song by that creepy half-pint of whinging, wailing subway-stalking, Cockney rhyming slang-monikered twunt.



Meanwhile:



The facelift king of America



Oh well, here's a surprise. Just in case you've been left feeling a little less than beautiful by the rest of this month's OWM, the solution is at hand. Just $25,000 for each lift; a further $10,000 to lift the eyes, and $10,000 more to lift the brow. It doesn't say how much to hack off your breasts.




Dr Sherrell Aston tells Polly Vernon the secret of a good face-lift and why, if pushed, he'd happily take the knife to his own daughters


Will give a new meaning to the phrase 'they get their good looks from their father.'



He is certainly rich enough to pursue sexily flamboyant lifestyle choices. He exists in a flurry of hand-tailored Brioni suits and Hermès ties. He has been called the Imelda Marcos of the tie world; he owns loads: 'Seventy-five per cent of which are red, not for any special reason'. His shirts are custom-made, as are his shoes. He drives a Porsche


Whoo! Cracking score on our Polly Bingo cards.




His credentials are astounding. 'He does beautiful face-lifts,' says Wendy Lewis, the leading independent plastic-surgery consultant,


You're beautifu... oh don't start that again.




"I'm greeted at Aston's offices by Bernadette McGoldrick, director of operations for this private clinic; an affable, sweet fortysomething redhead, a card-carrying Aston's Angel.

She apologises effusively for his lateness, and gets me a Diet Coke. I snoop round his suite of rooms, which are ornate, mahogany, Baccarat-crystal and rich-rug strewn, the antithesis of the cold, sterile environments one expects from doctors' surgeries. There are tasteful antiques and objets, many of which, Bernadette explains, are gifts from grateful clients. On the walls are endless snaps of Dr and Mrs Aston and celebrity pals - with Prince Charles (in a kilt) at Buckingham Palace, with the Carters, with the Clintons..."




Oh Polly, stop it you're killing us.




"Then Aston arrives. He's dressed in full double-breasted Brioni splendour, a look which enhances the mannered, Rhett Butler-ish dash. I am instantly charmed - just as his detractors and fans alike promised I would be. He's short, he's wiry, he's got a lot of hair, and a smooth face, but doesn't give away much either."


My love is beautiful, my love is pure, I saw an angel, of that I'm... AAAAAAaaaaaargh




Would I 'have an Aston' when the time came? Would I let him slice into the flesh on my face, peel my skin back like a Halloween mask, rootle about with tissue beneath it, repositioning and readjusting it? All because I can't face the fact of ageing? Would I? I actually don't know. I'll get back to you.


You know the answer, we know the answer, who exactly are you trying to kid?







the quiet life of Kerry Katona



We like Kerry Katona lots here at OWMMS. If you disagree - if you think she's some kind of bad role model, if you think she's just a vapid celebrity and some kind of wart on the face of civilisation, then you're just wrong, OK? We care about Kerry. We cry for her in hard times. We vote for her in the jungle. We might even buy her novel.



(OK, that last one was an downright lie, but you get the picture.)




Anyway silly old me because it turns out Kerry Katona is huge out there in red-top country where the real people live


Oh excuse us while we nip out in our tracksuits to Iceland for a bottle of White Lightning, 20 Berkeleys and a copy of the Sun. We wouldn't want to clutter the view for the beautiful people.

90 comments:

Ms Robinson said...

Top work once again from all of you!I have my own post coming up tomorrow on Ms Bett's self-indulgent article. Slightly longer deconstruction that questions the wider issue of vanity journalism where the journalist is the story.

Anonymous said...

Thanks OWMMS, for brilliantly pointing out that, actually, we don't have to accept the views of a load of narcissistic, anorexic, over-paid bobble-heads as representative of 'wimmin' (as opposed to food, music or sport). A magazine where the three main features consist of an interview with a plastic surgeon (choice quote: 'Some women don't look great to start off with'), an interview with Kerry sodding Katona (sorry, I just don't see the point) and some bint moaning about how gorgeous she is - in the Observer? It's highly insulting, actually. Sorry, just felt the need to purge (and not in the Observer Woman sense of the word!).

Claire x

liz (not jones) said...

One of the many things that deeply irritates me about OWM is some of the seemingly small, throwaway comments they make that speak volumes about the arrogant, condescending, superficial and just plain ignorant mindset of the editorial staff. The Sophie's Choice comment a couple of months ago was one example. This month, in Eva Wiseman's piece about teeth whitening, which was essentially just a plug for some bloke's dental practice, what made me fume was the remark about 'sad ladies from the Midlands'. In other words, ladies not living the chic metropolitan lifestyle that Eva and her colleagues presumably lead; ladies who are 'common'. Eva obviously doesn't believe she's writing to anyone north of Watford as people in the Midlands are too sad and unrefined to read The Observer. There's also the implication that getting your teeth cleaned up by a sophisticated London dentist will dramatically improve your dull provincial little life, because let's face it - when you live in Eva's world, no matter what challenging, interesting, successful or exciting things you may achieve, what's really important is what you look like.

Excuse my rant but I feel much better now. (I'm not from the Midlands, by the way.)

sian and crooked rib said...

i can't believe lynn barber said "where the real people live". what is she then? a monster from out of space?
the plastic surgeon article was highly confusing. i don't understand why polly threw in that comment about whether plastic surgery was morally defensible. was it some attempt to sound radical or controversial? why didn't she follow it up? why was she interviewing him in such a pandering manner if she thought he was immoral? why is he so keen to make sure his daughters don't have big noses?
again the piece is filled with the "we" issue. "we" women hate our bodies so "we" must want to read about plastic surgery. im not part of their "we".

Kim said...

On the plus side, there was that excellent article about abortion rights in the US. Give credit where it's due etc.

Admittedly the rest of it was the usual crap but I'll always make time to read Lynn Barber, whatever she's writing about.

Tamsin said...

This is what I find so weird about Observer Woman - the smug, pretentious twittery about the latest bags or the latest eyebag removal technique and so on, and then a really great article about abortion rights sort of buried in amongst it all (surely that should have been in the feminist issue?!!) Also, because everything else is such total crap, I read the abortion article fully expecting to see something about how aborted human foetuses can be used for beauty treatments

Anonymous said...

And now for a reality check; that OW stalwart Christa d'Souza writes in the Telegraph today about having been diagnosed with breast cancer. The tumour was only the size of a grape seed, but was malignant, and although the prognosis is good she is now to have a sentinel node biopsy to see if there is any spread. She asks with self-irony how a "water drinking yoga fanatic", a non-pill taking non-smoker to boot (although a boozer too) could have developed breast cancer. However, her breast implants may have helped in early detection because they push out the breast tissue. Was her fearful obsession with ageing - to the extent that in her OW cover story illustrated on this blog she called herself "age-orexic" - on a subconscious level related to her body's knowledge that something was seriously wrong? She realised when recalled after the biopsy that she had been tired and losing weight and that her jeans were loose - maybe in the OW ethos a thoroughly desired thing that wouldn't ring alarm bells. In the pic in the Telegraph she looks decidedly frail. Anyway, all the best to Christa.

Spitting Mad said...

Yes we have been mean about her attitudes and writing but in no way do we wish her harm. All our best to Christa - early diagnosis is a good start. We wish her luck and better health.

Cancer is quite ruthless in it's randomness and all the clean living in the world is no guarantee.

Boo to reality.

Anonymous said...

Where's the latest issue???

Spitting Mad said...

Normal service should resume next month.

I've been far too busy getting my knickers in a twist about the Spice Girls reunion and Britneys comeback.

Cathy said...

Maybe I'm going soft in the head, but the last two issues haven't been too bad..

Anonymous said...

Oh, come on! Seriously, nothing wrong with the article about how we all love our handbags and would readily spend £12,000 on one?

Nothing to be remarked on in that whole issue? Even the article about sperm donor babies? Really????!!!

Cathy said...

hi, Anon

I enjoyed the article on Vivienne Westwood and the pevious month's extract from the diary of a Hollywood mum was witty and amusing, IMO

Anonymous said...

And I thought some of the magazines in America were stupid! Wow. I can see why y'all hate that Observer Woman. I now hate it too.

Anonymous said...

I do believe that this site is now defunct and has been taken over by a person called Cathy who likes risible articles about Vivienne Westwood. And says IMO.

Cathy said...

Oooh, I've been dissed anonymously on a thread - I can die a happy woman :-P

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Lisa said...

I just got this week's observer and had to pop on here straight away to say GAH! With, I'm sure, the rest of you. No, not an OWM week but the sport magazine has this year's best sporting pin-ups. Excellent. Still, good to know they are spreading the word: it's not all news news news you know.

Jo said...

Please please please don't abandon this blog - it's one of the few things keeping me sane. See, if I go nuts, it'll all be your fault!! You horrible people!

Yours in hope and in expectation

Jo

Anonymous said...

^
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Ariel said...

Oh please do come back! More, more, more!!!

Adam said...

Only found this now and it's fucking brilliant. Even I find the OWM abhorrent and you should keep this blog running if only because there was a 'Man' supplement at the back of one of the more recent Woman Monthly rags. Awful bilge and I love the Observer. What happened??

yankunian said...

Come back OWMMS, we need you more than ever now. I am ranting, fire-breathing mad after reading the "Dummy Mummy" issue and am dying to hear what you have to say about it. Please come back!

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